The following message was delivered at Grace Community Church in Panorama
City, California, by John MacArthur Jr. It was transcribed from the tape,
GTY-43, titled "God's Design for a Successful Marriage" (Side 2) "The Role of
the Husband." A copy of the tape can be obtained by writing, Word of Grace, P.O.
Box 4000, Panorama City, CA 91412 or by dialing toll free
1-800-55-GRACE.
I have made every effort to ensure that an accurate
transcription of the original tape was made. Please note that at times sentence
structure may appear to vary from accepted English conventions. This is due
primarily to the techniques involved in preaching and the obvious choices I had
to make in placing the correct punctuation in the article.
It is my
intent and prayer that the Holy Spirit will use this transcription to strengthen
and encourage the true Church of Jesus Christ.
Tony Capoccia
God's Design for a Successful
Marriage
The Role of the
Husband
Copyright 1979
by
John F. MacArthur,
Jr.
All rights reserved
This morning we continue our study of the Book of
Ephesians, a study that has gone on now for many months, and we are in the fifth
chapter, and so I invite you to look with me at that chapter.
The great General Montgomery said to his very young troops one day
these profound words, "Gentlemen, don't even think about marriage until you have
mastered the art of warfare." Some of you are saying, "I can relate to that!"
Why is marriage such a potentiated warfare? Why does it seem to be so
tough to have a really meaningful relationship with somebody? You know, life is
about relationships--isn't it? And the most needful relationship is that one
that occurs between a man and a woman in a marriage, and yet the fulfillment of
it is so elusive. Having a meaningful, lasting relationship with somebody that
gets better, and that gets richer, and more fulfilling, is just very, very,
rare. In fact, we look at marriage, and whenever we see marriage portrayed it's
usually a fighting, unfaithful, discontented, bitter kind of wrangling thing
that ends up in separation, divorce, and so forth.
Well, there is a
reason for this. There is a reason that marriage is difficult. There is a reason
that people in our world cannot make meaningful relationships. For the most
part, it is hard for them to make meaningful relationships at any level, but
when it comes into a marital situation it becomes all the more difficult. And
the reason is very clear: I want us to go back to where we ended last time, the
first three chapters of Genesis, and I want to show you why marriage is such a
difficult thing. I admit it--it is difficult.
Let's look back at Genesis
2:18-25, and get a good sight on God's design for marriage, and then we will see
why this thing became so warped and perverted and has caused the marriage
relationship so much pain. Now, in the Book of Genesis we have the story of the
creation, God's creation of man being the summation of creation. We find, as we
come to 2:18, that man has already been created but God is not done yet,
And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone. I
will make him an help fit for him (or better "a suitable helper."). And out of
the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the
air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever
Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave
names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the
field; but for Adam there was not found a suitable helper.
Now, you
notice in that, that from the very beginning, God designed someone to be in
charge, and someone to help. Someone to be, as it were, "authority," and someone
to be "submission." Someone to be the leader and someone to be the follower.
Someone to take care of the provision and someone to be provided for. And from
the very beginning the man had the role of the headship, and the woman had the
role of the one for whom that headship was provided. The man was the one who
protected, provided, preserved, and cared for the woman who was "a fitting," or
"suitable helper" for him. "The LORD God (then desiring to give this to man,
verse 21), caused a deep sleep (a divine anesthetic) to fall on Adam, and he
slept: then He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
and the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought
her unto the man."
Now, God then provides this suitable helper; the one
to aid Adam as he rules for God in the pure and undefiled world of creation.
Adam meets his wife in verse 23, and Adam's comment is this, "This is now bone
of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was
taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and
shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. And they were both
naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed."
Now, here is a marvelously perfect relationship. Adam had no
problem accepting her, even though he had just met her. Since there was no sin,
there was no selfishness. There was no criteria on which to negatively evaluate
her because there was no such thought, and so instantly he says, "She is in
every sense one with me: bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh." "And they too,"
says God, "Shall be one flesh." And they were naked, and man and wife and there
was no shame. Why? Because there was no such thing as an evil thought; there was
no such thing as a perverse sexual attitude, and so their nakedness was
absolutely innocent. It was absolutely beautiful. It was as wondrous as the
uniqueness of the relationship in and of itself.
So, that's God's design:
an incredible union. Yes, there is a leader, and yes, there is one who follows
the lead. Yes, there is one who has oversight and responsibility, and yes, there
is one who is under that responsibility. But at the same time, all of that is so
beautifully blended in oneness, that you really don't see that. You see, "bone
of my bone; flesh of my flesh; taken out of me to be one flesh with me." There
is this glorious oneness in the union. The woman's submissiveness is willing and
beautiful; the man's provision is willing and beautiful, so there is no
animosity, there is no struggle, there is no fighting, there is nothing but a
perfectly glorious union.
Backing up to chapter 1, verse 27, again we
read a briefer account which was introducing the broader one of chapter 2, "So
God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and
female created he them." Now to show you the unity, "God blessed them, and God
said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it:
and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and
over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. And God said, Behold, I have
given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and
every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall
be for food." And when God was done with all this wonderful thing, verse 31, He
said, "Behold, it was very good."
Now listen, when God gave Adam a
helper in chapter 2, the union was so wonderful and so blessed, and so bound
together in love that when you go back to
chapter 1, it's described as
"them" being fruitful and multiplying, "them" filling the earth, "them" subduing
it, and "them" having dominion. There is a co-regency here. It doesn't deny the
man's place and the woman's place; it just simply shows that it can exist in
such an incredible oneness, such an undefiled manner, that there is nothing
really seen but how they work together--"they two" literally becoming one
flesh.
Now, God's design for marriage is very simple:
1.
To Propagate Children
It was to propagate children. We find that,
don't we, right here where it says, "be fruitful and multiply."
2. To
Eliminate Solitude
It was basically to eliminate solitude. Genesis
2:8, "It is not good for man to be alone."
3. To Have Physical
Fulfillment
It was for his [and hers] physical fulfillment. 1
Corinthians, chapter 7 says that God has designed each man to have his own wife
in order to fulfill physical desire.
4. To Have Joy.
God
designed marriage just to be a situation where you could have joy--pure joy.
Just the fun and the thrill of being married, and the thrill of having a sexual
physical relationship. In fact, Hebrews 13 says, "Let the bed be undefiled." In
other words, God has provided this, and the Bible lifts up the wonder and the
virtue of that physical relationship. Genesis 26:6-9 shows Jacob, and it says
that "Jacob was sporting with his wife." That's the first sport we find anything
about in the Bible! We just want you to know that that is in God's design, part
of the wonder and beauty of this "two becoming one flesh."
So God made
this beautiful relationship where woman, who was to be the helper, was
wonderfully supportive to man; man who was to be the head, was wonderfully
loving to woman. Her submission was willing, his love was wonderfully dominating
and so the union was beautiful. But something awful happened in chapter 3. We
don't know how the solicitation to evil ever entered into Eve's mind, but we
don't believe that it could be internal because she was pure on the inside--it
came externally, as best as we can know. The serpent approaches Eve, and the
serpent attacks in a very vulnerable way--he by-passes the headship of man--he
goes right to the one who is by nature the follower, one who is by nature the
weaker vessel, as it were. He approaches woman, rather than man, because he
feels he'll have a better audience. He begins to track her down to the place
where he provides for her an enticement to do the one thing God told them not to
do: "Eat of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil."
Of
course, you remember, that she did eat (verse 6, at the end), she took the fruit
"and did eat, and gave unto her husband." Of course, right here, immediately in
the fall is the reversal of the role--the woman has usurped the leadership, and
the man has fallen to be a follower. The twisting of God's whole design occurred
at the moment of temptation, and from then on that was the defiling of marriage.
If you want to know why marriage is tough, its because there has been since that
act, a flipping of the roles; a failure to recognize the way God has designed
it. And God, as it were, put that in concrete, when He gave the curse in chapter
3.
Let's go to chapter 3 and watch. Verse 14, God talks about the curse
that comes because of this sin, "And the LORD God said unto the serpent,
'Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every
beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all
the days of thy life." So even the animal was cursed, even the snake itself.
Then He goes behind the snake to Satan, who was in that snake, "And I will put
enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed (that is the evil
spawnings of Satan) and her seed (and of course that has in mind ultimately
Christ); He shall bruise thy head, and you'll only be able to bruise His
heel."
The curse on the snake: crawl in the dirt. The curse on Satan:
ultimately your head is to be crushed by Christ
Then He turns to the
woman in verse 16, and the curse comes there, "To the woman he said, I will
greatly multiply thy sorrow in thy conception." The wonderful reality of bearing
children, the glorious anticipation and joy, and hope, of having that child will
be somewhat mitigated by the pain and anguish that it is going to cause when
that child is born.
Additionally, "Thy desire shall be to control thy
husband, but he shall rule over thee." And here we find something completely
reversed: man is going to now rule over woman. Woman in going to now seek to
rule over man. We went into that text in detail last time to show you that's
what it is saying. Here you find (people listen), the most basic things in human
life are cursed: child-bearing and marriage, having children and living
together.
Then one other area, "To the man Adam he said, Because you have
hearkened to the voice of your wife, and eaten of the tree, of which I commanded
thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake." It's
even going to be tough to get food. "In sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days
of thy life; thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou
shalt eat the herb of the field; in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread,
till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou
art, and unto dust shalt thou return." And one other thing God said to them, "In
the day that you eat thereof you shall surely . . . ."
What? "Die!"
Pain in childbirth, problem in the home, difficulty in getting food, and
death, are all a result of the sin in the garden. And when Adam sinned, his
death and his sin passed on all men, says Romans, chapter 5, for in Adam we all
died, and in Adam we all sinned. The race itself was cursed.
Now, you
look at human society today and nobody will deny the pain of childbirth, and
nobody will deny that there are weeds growing in the ground, and nobody will
deny that it is difficult for an individual to earn a living and to provide for
his family: he must labor and he must work. But, people don't seem to want to
admit that the reason there is conflict in marriage is because there is a total
reversal of roles that came about in the sin in the beginning and God sort of
put it in cement, and the whole human race is cursed to have to try to make a
family when a woman will seek to usurp the lead, and the man will rule
despotically. If you want to know why we have Women's Lib movements, it's
because the curse has kept that particular depraved reality in existence in the
human history. In other words, women will seek to rule. And the reason we have
oppression from men, and the reason men seek to rule over women is because it is
the curse of sin that causes that.
Yes, there is chauvinism, no question
about it. The world is full of male chauvinists, they have been around all
throughout human history, and that's part of the curse of sin. And yes there are
women who seek to usurp--that's the curse of sin, we know that, and we don't
advocate either one, both are simply manifestations of depravity, manifestations
of fallenness, manifestations of the curse.
So beloved, you see,
there are two things needful if you are going to have a marriage that
works:
1. A woman has got to go back to that place of that
beautiful submission she knew before the "fall," and a man has got to go back to
the place where his commitment is simply, in love, to take that woman as if she
were one with him, and render to her every single thing that he would do for
himself.
In other words, we need to go back again where women are
characterized by submission and men are characterized by sacrificial love, just
like it was before the "fall." Do you want to know why we have got problems in
marriage? Because we have got a cursed marriage to start with. We are dealing
with two sinful people, and depravity will manifest itself in the woman by
seeking to overrule the man, and the man by crushing the woman without love--and
we have that in our society today.
Husbands don't love their wives: they
didn't in Jesus' time; they didn't in the Book of Genesis after the "fall." It
is not natural--it's unnatural. It's natural to love yourself, if we are talking
about what is human nature. It's natural to be self-consumed, self-preoccupied,
self-absorbed, and as long as you are like that, you can't give yourself in love
to somebody else. And men in our society today are no different than they have
been in the past: they suppress women; they crush women down; they make them
into nothing but sex objects, and the women have been abused. There is no
question about that in my mind: men fulfill their part of the curse too. We see
a stream of filthy proliferation of pornography, magazines, and dirty movies,
and all of that stuff which make women into something like an animal, of which
there is no other function than to fulfill the sexual prowess of the man. That's
wrong! That makes the woman into something far less than God ever intended
her to be.
Yes, men have oppressed women--there is no question about
it, and women have sought to override the bounds of their God-given design. But
listen people--we can't expect anything different. Why? Because that's the
legacy of sin, and all we are saying to the world today, all that this pulpit is
ever saying, and all that is ever coming out of the Bible is this: Look, it
doesn't have to be that way! You don't have to have women's rights movements
which go beyond the bounds. You don't have to have macho-male chauvinism which
goes way beyond the bounds! You can have a right relationship where a woman is
lifted up and exalted and allowed to be all that God had ever intended her to
be, and where a man knows how it is that he is to invest his life to provide for
and to love that woman, so there is a marvelous co-regency in life that fulfills
every need of the human heart--that's all we are saying. Anybody who doesn't
want that doesn't want something that's awful good.
So you have got a
problem in marriage from the beginning. Do you know why it is tough to make your
marriage work? Because it's cursed--that's why.
Now, if that isn't bad
enough, Satan starts taking shots at marriage too! So you add to the basic curse
in the human nature, you add what Satan does and you are going to have problems.
Look what Satan does immediately; look at Genesis with me: as soon as sin enters
the world, Satan begins to attack marriage. He is going to force marriage to
dissolve. He is going to crush it as best he can, because he knows that it is
the only hope of right human relations. He is going to devastate the world by
destroying relationships at their most important level in the home. Immediately,
you come to chapter four and what happens? Verse 23, "Lamech said unto his
wives, Adah and Zillah "(he had wives from A to Z). Lamech, what are you doing
with two wives? Genesis 3: the "fall," Genesis 4: polygamy! Immediately the
prostitution of the divine standard "They two shall be one flesh." That's always
been God's standard; immediately he [Satan] introduces polygamy.
Now,
that's not enough; we go to chapter 9 and Satan is still at it trying to corrupt
the wonderful union of marriage. In chapter 9, verse 20, "Noah began to be a
farmer, planted a vineyard, drank the wine, became drunk and was uncovered
within his tent." Now, we don't know specifically what he was doing in there,
but he was naked in there, "Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his
father," and the implications is that he really looked at it for a while. "And
then he went and told his two brothers outside." And here we have introduced for
the first time, evil sexual thoughts, and words.
You know, we said that
before the "fall," "Adam and Eve were naked and they were not ashamed." Why?
Because there were no evil thoughts; there could be no perversion of anything.
But immediately after they had fallen in sin, what was the first thing that they
ran out and did? They ran out and found something to cover themselves up because
they were naked and they were ashamed. Why? Because immediately when sin
entered, evil thoughts became a reality--perversion became a possibility, and
here we find it.
Now, I don't know what went on, but I know that Shem and
Japheth knew better than to do what Ham did, they took a garment and laid it on
their shoulders; and they went in backwards so they wouldn't even see their
father, and in backwards stance, covered the nakedness of their father. And they
never saw their father's nakedness. In the next text it says that and because of
that God cursed Ham and He blessed Shem and Japheth.
Satan introduces
polygamy in chapter 4, and evil, sexual thoughts in chapter 9. In chapter 16 he
introduces adultery. God says to Abraham, "Abraham, you are going to have a
child; you are going to have a son, and that son is going to be the beginning of
the prodigy of a race of people, through whom will come the great deliverer of
the world." God gives this promise to Abraham (at this time called Abram) who
doesn't have a son. And he says to Sarah, "We can't have any children. Sarah,
What are we going to do?" And Sarah says, in 16:2,
Behold now, the LORD
has restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in to my maid; it may be that I
may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarah. And Sarah
Abram's wife took Hagar her maid the Egyptian, after Abram had dwelt ten years
in the land of Canaan, and gave her to her husband Abram to be his wife. And he
went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived,
her mistress was despised in her eyes.
This is adultery! Sexual
relationship with someone outside your marriage. Another way to destroy a
marriage. It wasn't long after this that you come to the 19th chapter of Genesis
and you meet homosexuality. Satan has already introduced polygamy, evil sexual
thoughts, dirty words (the words that Ham no doubt spoke to his brothers),
adultery, and now homosexuality. In chapter 19, two angels, in the appearance of
a man, came to visit Lot. Verse 4, "The men of the city, even the men of Sodom,
compassed the house round, both old and young" They said, unto Lot (in verse 5)
'Where are the men who came unto thee this night? bring them out unto us, that
we may know them." And the word "know" is loaded with meaning: it means to have
a sexual relationship with them. And Lot said, "do not so wickedly (in verse
7)." And the angels actually went out and struck them blind, and all that did
was to make it harder for them to find the door. They kept beating on the door
even though they were blind, and God finally sent fire and brimstone, and
destroyed the entire cities of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Now listen, it is
tough enough to make a marriage work with a curse; you add to that appeal of
polygamy, the appeal of evil sexual thoughts and words, adultery, homosexuality,
and it's getting tougher all the time. Go to chapter 34. In chapter 34 of the
Book of Genesis, Satan isn't through and another thing introduces itself into
human life and this is fornication--sexual relationships apart from marriage.
"And Dinah the daughter of Leah, whom she bore unto Jacob, went out to see the
daughters of the land. And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of
the country, saw her, he took her, and lay with her, and defiled her." Here you
have fornication and you also have rape--very possibly. Now notice how Satan is
just corrupting the human stream in a rapid fire succession. We aren't even
out of the first Book of the Bible; we got polygamy, evil sex thoughts, evil
sexual words, adultery, homosexuality, fornication, and very possibly
rape.
Go to chapter 38 and you find incest--sexual relationship within a
family. Verse 13, to make a long story short, "It was told Tamar, saying, Behold
thy father-in-law goes up to Timnath to shear his sheep. And she put her widow's
garments off from her, and covered her with a veil, and wrapped herself, and sat
in an open place." And that's the way prostitutes did--this is not only
incest--it is prostitution as well. And she sat there waiting for him to come.
Verse 15,
When Judah saw her, he thought her to be an harlot, because
she had covered her face. He turned unto her by the way, and said, Come, I pray
thee, let me come in unto thee; (for he knew not that she was his
daughter-in-law.) And she said, What wilt thou give me, (in other words, she had
a price)? He said, I will send thee a kid from the flock. And she said, Wilt
thou give me a pledge, till thou send it? And he said, What pledge shall I give
thee? And she said, Thy signet, and thy bracelets, and thy staff that is in
thine hand.
To show you how really bad off he was, "he gave them to her,
and came in unto her, and she conceived by him." Prostitution, solicitation,
harlotry, and incest, all in one situation. And in verse 24 it says, "Tamar
played the prostitute."
In chapter 39, you find Joseph in Potiphar's
house, and you find an illustration of evil seduction. We will stop right there.
That's about as much as my mind can handle. Now, listen to me people, do you
want to know why marriage is tough? Do you want to know why there are so many
divorces, so many miserable people, so many unhappy relationships? Because to
start with, the whole sin thing that started in the garden was the woman taking
the place of the man, in acting independently with Satan, and the man falling
submissively to the woman in sin. God locked that thing into chains, as it were,
and since that time the woman always, by her sinful nature desires to rule a
man, and the man tends to despotically dominate the woman. Add to that the
impulses of polygamy, evil thoughts, evil words, adultery, homosexuality,
fornication, rape, unequal yokes (such as in the case of Dinah and Shechem
again), incest, prostitution, seduction, and you've got trouble trying to make a
marriage.
If that isn't bad enough, then live in a society that extols
all of that stuff as virtuous, because that's what our society does. You find
somebody who is a virgin, or somebody who is totally committed to their wife,
and they become the object of humor in this society. To our society, polygamy,
and evil thoughts and words, and rotten filthy language. . . .it's getting now
so on television you can hardly stand to turn the thing on. Adultery,
homosexuality, fornication, unequal yokes, incest, prostitution--that's stuff
for comedy shows, that's the stuff we are all supposed to buy. Now, you tell me
this: it would be tough enough to try to make a marriage work under the curse if
you believed that it was right to do it God's way, but imagine what it's like to
make a marriage work when you are cursed to start with and then everything your
society tells you is, "God's way is wrong and this is the way to really live it
up!" And people it is tough living the godly life in this evil generation. It's
tough living in the midst of a perverse nation and getting your act together in
your home--believe me! The only people who do it, are the people
who:
1. Know the Lord Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1-3).
2.
Are filled with His Spirit (Ephesians 5:18).
Apart from that you have
no more hope of making your marriage work than Ponce de Leon did of finding the
"Fountain of Youth" or anybody else does in finding the "Pot of Gold" at the end
of a rainbow--it'll never happen. Our society denies the reality and throws the
fantasy in front of us. And I really believe that this is Satan's primary
attack, because at the heart of all meaningful human relationships is that
marriage. If you can't make that work, [then] everything else is
miserable--everything! The curse hit us at the base of our most needed
relationship: "It's not good for man to be alone!" Man desperately needs a
helper; man desperately needs someone with whom he can fulfill his deep drives
and needs physically; man needs somebody who can be his friend. And so Satan
smashes man at the very core of his greatest need, and it's impossible for him
to even work out that relationship.
And then along comes the sick world
spawned by Satan himself and tells us that, "if you really want to live it up:
be unfaithful, have an affair here, and affair there, swap wives, swing, be a
homosexual, be gay and be proud of it," etc., etc., etc. And the confusion gets
worse, and worse, and worse, and meaningful relationships are impossible to
find. Just think about the songs of our culture. I listen to them sometimes and
they are so pensive it's heartbreaking.
You hear them sing about the
affairs and the wild stuff, but then every once in a while you hear a song that
is very pensive and somebody is singing about they found the perfect girl, or
the perfect lady, or the perfect man, and they know that this is going to be the
right relationship, and it's all going to be the way we thought it would be. I
found the beautiful face, I found the attractive body, I found the wonderful
personality, and I am going to finally have a relationship that works with no
boredom, and no unfaithfulness, and no breakup, and no pain, and no loneliness,
and no leaving, and no having to start all over again, and it's going to be this
way until we finally die--and it is a pipe dream! It's a relationship that they
want, but there is no way that they are going to have it.
So sadly our
world lives with a whole bunch of illusions, a whole bunch of fantasies. The
first fantasy on the one side is that, boy, if you really want to live it up,
you have got to have "supersex" and "supersex" is with that incredible lady that
you are not married to. It's out there, they paint it on the screen, and it's in
the books, and the literature, and the magazines, and the records, and
everywhere--the fantasy world of that "supersex."
On the other hand,
there is that fantasy that somewhere there will be that perfect person, that
wonderful love, that wonderful relationship, that relationship that is so
perfect that nothing can ever touch it; and so the two fantasies in ambivalence
sort of go along together, and it is really sad because the only place you are
ever going to find reality is to find it right here in the Word of God, by
knowing Jesus Christ, being filled with His Spirit, and letting a relationship
be what only God can make it. That little fantasy about the perfect thing will
never happen, and all that garbage about the real sex, and the real fun, and the
real living, and the real macho, and the real "doing your thing" is outside your
marriage, is a big lie! But people in our world aren't willing to listen to God,
so they are not going to know the answer.
We are not living in a fantasy
world. I'm not the one who has the illusions; the illusions are all over the
world. The reality is in the Book of God. Now, beloved, this is why Ephesians 5
is so important; let's look at it now. Do you want to have a meaningful
relationship? Do you want to have a marriage where a wife submits lovingly to
her husband, to his care, and protection, and headship, and lead, and where a
husband lovingly, self-sacrificingly gives himself to meet every need of that
woman he lifts up and exalts with all of his heart? If you are going to see
that, it is going to be right here in this kind of relationship where Christ is
at the center, and the Spirit of God pervades the relation--that's the whole
point here.
So after having said, "You've got to be in Christ" (in the
first chapter of Ephesians), and after having said in 5:18, "Be filled with the
Spirit," he can now say that it is possible for wives to submit and husbands to
love their wives. And so what I am saying to you is this: that Christian
marriage as God designed it, and as Paul discusses it here is the reverse of the
"fall." Do you see? In a way it mitigates the curse. In a way it takes away the
curse. Oh, what a wonderful thought that is, and among Christians we take our
place in the right relationship to each other--that's what God wants.
I
tell you something people, without the two prerequisites of knowing Christ and
being filled with the Spirit--this never happens! This is the greatest treatise
on marriage ever written, and if you take Genesis into account it makes
everything clear. God wants your home to be the way He designed it for your
sake, as well as His glory, but His conditions are simple: you've got to know
and love the Lord Jesus Christ and then you have got to walk in the Spirit.
I was speaking at a college out here and I told the class--they ask me
to speak to the Philosophy Class on ethics--and I said, "There is no reason
you're even going to be interested in these ethics unless you know and love
Jesus Christ"--and that's true. If you know Christ and you are filled with the
Spirit here's the standard and it is possible people, it's possible. And do you
know what the ultimate tragedy is? The ultimate tragedy is conflict in a
Christian marriage because it denies all the potential in that marriage that God
has placed there. If you are Christians then you have all the resources
necessary to make your relationship all that God intended marriage to be before
the "fall" and as close as we can get to that.
Now, in our last study we
talked about the woman a little bit, and we said that the key was verse 21;
let's look at it, "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God." We
said that a woman's submission is initial, it's basic, it's just God's beautiful
design, and she submits to his provision, to his headship (verse 23), "For the
husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church." To his
"Saviorhood" if you will, as a preserver, Christ even to the church as the
Savior as well. So she, in verse 24, is told that as the church is subject to
Christ, so is she to be to her own husband in everything, in a beautiful
submission to the husband who is a savior, a preserver, a provider, a head who
cares for her.
We saw how the Scripture is not oppressive, it's not
chauvinistic; it lifts a woman up. It elevates a woman to a place where she is
the object of care, she is the object of protection, she is the object of
provision, she is the object of concern. The husband is to lift her up and exalt
her in that way. Her place is simply to respond to that care and that concern,
and to focus her attention on the home that God has given her--to fulfill the
responsibility there to her husband and her children.
Then secondly, and
for just a brief time this morning and then next time, I want us to talk about
the duty of the husband. This morning I am just going to introduce it to you,
verse 25, "Husbands, love your wives." Stop right there. Now, the husband also
is to submit. Verse 21 is the umbrella under which all of this passes,
submitting the wives to their husbands and the husbands to their wives by loving
them. Now, listen men, we are to love our wives. Now, keep in mind that this is
a mutual submission.
The tendency in the man is to dominate the woman.
This is the tendency of the human nature--to be chauvinistic. That's why we have
it because of sin in the world--men are that way. You know we exalt the macho
man--don't we? The hard guy, the tough guy, you know the guy who comes into the
bar and everybody falls over. The guy who smashes her in the head with a club,
drags her into the cave, and when she is used up--pitches her out. Macho! We
exalt that kind of stuff, and that is so depraved. That is nothing but a
manifestation of human sinfulness. You know you get weary of seeing that kind of
stuff, men who just abuse and use, and tread on the glory of a woman, and so he
[Paul] says here, "Husbands, love your wives." Love your wives! The word is
"agapao, agape" (Greek). It is the strongest, most intimate, far reaching,
comprehensive, fulfilling term for love. "Love your wives."
Yes, there
is authority in a marriage. Yes, there is a headship and one who follows. But he
doesn't say, "Husbands, rule your wives. Husbands, order your wives around.
Husbands, subject your wives. Husbands, command your wives, exercise authority
over them, dominate them." No. "Love them!" How? "Love your wives even as Christ
also loved the church." Stop right there. That's the manner. That's point one in
the duty of the husband.
1. The Manner as Christ Loved the
Church.
Now, listen to me, how did Christ love the church? How did He
love the church? You say, "Well, I don't love my wife anymore. She's done so
many. . . .I don't love her!" Is that how Christ loved the church? "I don't love
the church any more. Did you see what they did? Those people are always sinning,
they never seem. . . . I don't love them any more. I am going to find somebody
else." Is that how Christ loved the church? Look at Romans 5:8; I want to show
you two passages in Romans--just simple ones. Romans 5:8, "But God commended His
love toward us, (now watch this one) in that, while we were yet sinners, (and by
the way, verse 10 says we were enemies), while were yet enemy sinners, Christ
died for us." Now, listen to me, how did Christ love the church? He gave the
greatest gift for the most unworthy people, so that the gulf is incredible. He
is absolutely holy, absolutely righteous, knows no sin, is untainted, unspotted,
has no personal understanding of sinfulness; He is without flaw. And yet, the
absolutely Perfect One makes the absolutely ultimate sacrifice for the worst of
enemy sinners. That's how He loved the church.
Now, don't say to me,
"Well, my wife, she has gone too far!" There was a guy who got married and they
got in the carriage and they were going out on their honeymoon. And it was in
the early days when they rode with a horse, and the horse bolted real hard, and
the guy said, "That's one." They went a little farther and the horse bolted
again and he said, "That's two." And he went a little further and he did it
again and he said, "That's three," turn around, took out a gun, walked out and
shot the horse dead. His wife said, "What have you done, what made you do it?"
He said, "That's one!"
There are some people who approach marriage, who
approach marriage on a "One, Two, Three" basis. That isn't the way. Listen, if
God gave us only "One, Two, or Three" we would all be in hell--wouldn't we? God
commended His love towards us--God, absolutely holy, righteous God made the
greatest most magnanimous, most ultimate act of sacrifice for the most vile
people. Do you see? Don't give me any "song and dance" about your wife's
problems. Listen, you are not as far from your wife as God was from sinners, and
yet He loved us. Right? Who are you? Listen, don't you ever forget it--your wife
may be a sinner, but so are you! You are a lot closer than you think, and the
reverse is true also.
Oh, we lose the perspective. You know, we say,
"Well, I don't love her anymore, I just decided that I don't love her." Then if
you don't love her anymore, you are disobedient to the command of God. That's
right! You say, "Well, you know the Lord has (I have heard people say this--this
is true) the Lord brought someone new into my life!" The Lord? Really, that
happens all the time--people say that--"It's God's will!" Somebody said to me
the other day that very statement, "We are getting married, the Lord has brought
us together. And it is so wonderful, our wedding will only be a week after my
divorce is final! God has brought us together!" That's not true, God doesn't do
that. God commands you to love your wife. And if you were the holiest guy in the
universe and she was the vilest sinner, that would never change the command!
Never! It doesn't change.
Romans 8 tells us even more, in verse 35, "What
shall separate us from the love of Christ?" How many [chances] does He give us?
Does He say, "One, Two, Three, bang" to us? "What shall separate us from the
love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or
nakedness, or peril, or sword?" Verse 38, "I am persuaded that neither death nor
life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things
to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creation shall be able to separate
us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Listen, there is
nothing that can separate us from his love, and he says we are to love our wives
like Christ loves His church. There is nothing that separates us from that love.
Man, you are to love that wife--that's a command of God. I'll tell you
something, it's an act of the will. It depends on whether you determine to do it
or not. If you determine that you are not going to do it--you won't. If you
determine you are going to do it--by the grace of God you are going to love in
spite of whatever happens, and you are going to love as Jesus loves the church,
then no matter what happens you'll love. I promise you one thing: that kind of
love is irresistible.
Chrysostom, the great early church father said
this, "Have thou seen the measure of obedience? Hear also the measure of love.
Wouldest thou that thy wife shouldest obey thee as the church doth love Christ?
Then have care, thyself, for her as Christ does for the church. And if it be
needful that thou shouldest give thy life for her, or be cut to pieces a
thousand times, or endure anything whatsoever--refuse it not! Christ brought His
church to His feet by His great love--not by threats or any such thing, and so
do thou conduct thyself towards thy wife."
A man once feared that he was loving his wife too much, and a
Christian asked him if he loved his wife as much as Christ loved the church? He
said, "Oh, No." He said, "Then you better love her more." Kayto (sp.), who wrote
so much of the Roman law, reflected the attitude of his time and the attitude of
today, "If you catch your wife in the act of infidelity, you can kill her
without a trial! But, if she should catch you, she wouldn't venture to touch you
with her finger--she has no rights." Now, that is the sickening, male chauvinism
that comes out of the curse and the fall. That's the kind of attitude that is
induced by the evil sexual perversions that Satan has brought in since the Book
of Genesis that constantly pull at marriage to destroy it and damn it. And the
only way to counter it is to know Jesus
Christ, to be filled with the Spirit
and to make a commitment that you are going to love your wife no matter what.
Let me give you just three practical things and then I will be done. 1
Peter 3:7, this is directly to husbands: if you are going to love that wife, can
I give you three kind of hints to work on this week?
1. Dwell with
them according to knowledge.
"In like manner," 1 Peter 3:7 says, "ye
husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge." Stop right there. I call this
consideration. Another word for it would be understanding or sensitivity. Men,
listen! If you are going to love your wife, you have got to be sensitive and
understanding, and considerate. You know, you hear women say this all the time,
"He never understands me. He doesn't know where I am at. He's insensitive to my
needs. We never talk. He doesn't know how I feel. He doesn't know what I am
thinking about. He doesn't really comprehend my hurts." You hear this over, and
over, and over, and over, and it just builds a wall in a marriage. What the Word
of God is saying here is, "Dwell with her according to knowledge. Be sensitive.
Be understanding. Feel what she feels." I know, I work on this at home with
Patricia because I have a lot of things in my mind, going around all the time,
and sometimes it is difficult for me to really be sensitive and to really reach
out in love and understanding and knowledge, and know where she is, and know
where she is hurting, or where her joys are. But I'll tell you one thing; I have
committed my life to love that woman till I die, and I am going to chase her
around heaven for all eternity!
I'll tell you something: I struggle in my
own humanness to love her "As Christ love His Church," and to meet her needs,
and to lift her up, and to care for her as I should. I want to be sensitive and
be considerate, and so Peter says, "You husbands dwell with them according to
knowledge." Listen, it isn't what you get out of your marriage, it's what you
give to it that God is after--that's the whole thing in the Christian life
anyway.
2. Chivalry
The second thing is not consideration,
but chivalry. What ever happened to chivalry? "give honor unto the wife as unto
the weaker vessel." I mean, that's just talking about realizing that physically
and emotionally you are the strength. You know, the guy sits there and says,
(you know), "When are you going to finish the lawn honey?" Or she comes in and
says, "Could you bring in the groceries dear?" He says, "It's the fourth
quarter, can't you get them yourself? Carry one at a time honey." Chivalry, what
ever happened (you know) to opening the door for the wife? Usually, you are
fifteen feet down the driveway and she has got one foot hanging out and the
door's opened. She turns to you and says, "Do you mind if I get my other leg in?
Chivalry, you see, give honor to the wife as the weaker vessel.
3.
Communion
Last is communion. Consideration, and chivalry, and
communion. This is beautiful, "As being heirs together of the grace of life that
your prayers be not hindered." Hey, you have got this thing together! The "grace
of life" is a beautiful phrase, it is like hot fudge sundae, (this is the hot
fudge) on top of life the grace (the hot fudge of life) is marriage, and since
you have inherited marriage, do it together, will you? Communion: talk together,
share together. I thank the Lord that my wife is my best friend: my best friend,
my closest confidant, my dearest friend. We commune together, and there is a
spiritual thought here, "so that your prayers be not hindered." You need to
share your spiritual lives together.
God has given us the ingredients to
make it work. He can reverse the curse. In Christ, filled with the Spirit, we
make the deep commitment. Men, when we look at that woman and we determine in
our hearts that we are going to love her as Christ loved the church, we will
give the greatest sacrifice [even] if she is the most unworthy person because
that's the way Christ did it. And we will be considerate, and we will be
chivalrous, and we will commune with her on a spiritual level. Under those
conditions I will promise you one thing: marriage will turn out to be the "hot
fudge on the sundae;" marriage will turn out to be everything God ever made it
to be. You will give a legacy to your children that will have repercussions when
they marry also, and you'll start passing on the right kind of things to the
generations to follow--and God help them if we don't!
Let's pray.
Father, we thank You again this morning for the insights you give us for what
You have for us. You made us, and You know how we function best. We don't want
to fight that, but our sin, and Satan, corrupts everything. Then we live in a
world where every value is twisted, where every right thing is turned into a
wrong thing, and every evil thing is made a virtue, and God, it is so hard to
sort it out. The fantasies the world throws at us all the time--that we are not
really having what we could have. All the beautiful people were supposed to be
longing and lusting for--nothing but evil enticements by the "Prince of the
Power of the Air." God, we are sorry about that, that women who seek to rule,
and we are so sorry about men who are so despotic in theirs. We know that the
only hope for both man and woman is Jesus Christ and a controlled life under the
direction of the Spirit of God.
Lord Jesus, my prayer for this church is
this: the world is going to hear our message, they are going to hear what we
say, God, I just pray that they will see it being lived out, because it doesn't
do a bit of good for us to preach it if the people who claim You don't live it.
Lord, help us to realize that only one thing matters, and that is that we let
our light so shine before men, that they will see our good works and glorify our
Father, who is in heaven. God, You will only be glorified when our life matches
our message, so help us to make of our marriages what they ought to be. Help the
men in our church to love the way that Christ loved the church. Help the women
to be submissive, to care for their husbands, care for their children in a godly
manner, and live their lives for the fulfilling of your divine plan, not that
we may be glorified--no, but that You may be glorified and the world may see
the blessing of those who live according to your standard.
Father, help us to be salt and light in the world, and we know
that there is a price to pay, but the results are glorious. We thank you for the
privilege of being counted as you children. In Christ's name.
Amen.
Added to Bible Bulletin Board's "MacArthur Collection"
by:
Tony Capoccia
Bible Bulletin Board
Box 119
Columbus, New Jersey,
USA, 08022
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Email: tony@biblebb.com
Online since
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